Jun 5, 2021
Exposing myself on social media.
And why do I hate being told what to do.
Since I was a little kid I’ve always dreamed about the day my life becomes like the bunch of photos I’ve put together above these lines and even though I know perfection doesn't exist, being carefree and independent has always been the closest thing to heaven from earth to me.
Sometimes I don’t know if its the headstrong Aquarius in me, growing up with strict parents, high expectations and a constant need for escaping my reality that shaped the way I am today but what I know for sure is that I hate not being in control.
This time, exactly a year ago, it was the peak of quarantine. After a rough couple of days in what seemed to be hell or college — how ever you want to call it. I was losing every inch of my sanity over things I couldn’t control. Like COVID-19 cases rising, curfew, being trapped in my house and feeling like my teenage years were running away from me.
In the midst of the chaos, at a desperate attempt for having my life back I transferred college and swapped majors, moved back with my family and started this hunt for feeling something that was not fear.
Luckily for me, things somehow started to work out. Good grades, new friends and a little less anxious. But the fact that I was already used to living alone and had to come back and follow rules. Rules I was not happy with, made the road bumpier every time. In what seemed to be a conspiracy in my favor, I was able to be on my own again and leave my country for five months.
Five months where I got to meet this whole new person I was becoming. One who actually enjoyed every little detail of life, one who was happy with uncertainty and expecting the unexpected, who was open to failure and accepted mediocrity. Who for the first time ever didn't feel like escaping but wanted to be as present as possible.
Now a whole year later, back in my hometown, we can say the stress has diminished a lot, not because there are no rules or because I am on my own but because I got to know me. So it was never really about not being in control but being told what to do, doing that and hating the outcome that action would bring since it was definitely not who I am/was.
Understanding who you are takes time and if I’m honest the only reason why anyone could tell me what was right for me its because I didn’t know who I was. When it comes to the whole learning to understand my worth thing- I can’t say I’m fully 100% comfortable with myself yet. However, I’m definitely miles and miles further than where I was last year and that’s an achievement for me.
Taking control and what’s really the problem now?
Well, occasionally, a gal will find herself a little lost and since I truly know what I want I can’t help myself but think:
- What If I’m hurting someone because I am being me?
- What If my to-do-list is way too ambitious and I never get to check those things off it.
- What If I get too many tattoos and then regret them?
Taking control has shown me that the key to growing is being in a constant state of discomfort, so I guess for now I’ll have to go over all of it to get my answers.
Side note: I’d like to publicly express gratitude for my changes even if for a lot of people they don’t make any sense, I’ll stop myself from saying sorry for being who I always was but were too afraid to be. If I don’t completely check off all my to do’s from the list at least I died trying and If I end up regretting the tattoos there’s always laser removal.
xoxo,
me.
